Smallish Brittin – unleashed.

Here it is, my screamplay called:

Location: Buckingnim Palace

Queen: Gordy, do you mind if I call you Gordy, would you like some tea?

Prime minister (played by Smeagol – ask Ches): Don’t mind if I do. And some cake please, can’t have tea without the cake, my pressssscious, I mean, your Highnesssssssss.

Queen: Indeed. So remind me why you and your Parliamentarians are here again?

PM: We have had a report from an Average Brittish Man that he overheard his neighbours plotting a dastardly attack upon the Palace. We are waiting for him to come in and tell us the full story.

Average BRITTiSH man (Will Smith): Yo yo yo Whats up homies, here I am, yor average Briddish man getting jiggy with it, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.

Queen: What on earth is he saying? What is your name young man?

Will Smith: Will Smith, your majesty

Queen: Ah, William Smith, a fine BRITTiSH name indeed. But why do you speak so funny?

Will Smith: Wot, me? Oim just a regular Briddish lad, innit? Innit? Am I bovvered, my china plate?

PM: Oi, Queenie, wot the hell is ‘e on about?

Queen: Dunno, guvner. Oi, guvner?

PM: Wot?

Queen: Why we speaking like commoners?
PM: Dunno. Just seemed appropriate.

In walks The Baddie. He has a towel on his head.

PM: Oh my god, look, it is a forriner wearing a turban! He must be the man come to kill us all!

Queen: Oh my, where is our trusty secret agent [Mr Bean] to seize him and save us all? He seems to have disappeared.

PM: you there, forriner! Freeze!

Baddie: What the crap are you on about, I’m not foreign, I’m from Wolverhampton!

Queen: Where on earth is that?

Baddie: Why you saying I’m forrin? Iz it becoz I iz black?

PM: you aren’t black.

Baddie: All right then, a shade of unroasted coffee beans.

PM: you are wearing a turban.

Baddie: you numpty, it’s a towel! I just came from the sa
una. I heard something about a terrorist and came to see wot was going on!

Enter the tabloid dignitaries: We heard something about a baddie attacking the Palace, and thort, wot a good tabloid moment! So we have come to save the day!

Tabloid dignitary B: Look there is someone wearing a turban, he must be the baddie! Get him folks!

The tabloid dignitaries attack the Baddie. 

The emperor in his new clothes (David Beckham): Oi people we are BRITTiSH, we can’t go around behaving like football hooligans!

PM: But David, some BRITTiSH people are football hooligans.

David: all right then. But we BRITTiSH always know what to do in a crisis situation, don’t we, folks? 

Queen: Yes, yes indeed we do.

They all sit down and have Tea, closely followed by Cake.

PM: I wonder what happened to our superbuff secret-agent [Mr Bean] who was supposed to be on standby to save us all?

Queen: Isn’t he the man who has been curled up asleep on that armchair the entire time?


I swear that is what it is like living here, every day. Even the part about Will Smith. Especially the part about Will Smith.

15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 6000
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 14:17:00

    Well, if you think GB is that sh!t, you could always just leave. I jest.It’s amazing how a cup of tea can solve every problem, isn’t it? Entire family wiped out in freak yachting accident? “Never mind luv. Have a cuppa.”Russians launched nuclear missiles – 4 minute warning?”Better put the kettle on, hey?”One wonders what would happen in a real crisis: like if they ran out of tea.”Oooh dear, pet – let’s have a brew. ARGH!”


  2. Rox
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 14:36:00

    Hehehe, brilliant! Thanks Po – that made my morning a lot less bleh. :-)


  3. Kitty Cat
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 15:14:00

    Ha ha ha ha !!! Very funny! You are talented Po!


  4. po
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 16:29:00

    6000: you been reading speak your branes lately? Hehe, I love Brittin, it is quirky and…. unique!Please, let the world never run out of tea, would be catastrophic.Hey, maybe you should write a South African version, I think outsiders have a better perspective on the odd things. Although I have a feeling Saffas might struggle to laugh at themselves as easily as people over here!


  5. po
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 16:30:00

    rox: thanks, it was fun to writekitty cat: thanks, have to find ways to entertain myself!


  6. Tamara
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 18:27:00

    Hehehehehe… Po, I would love to spend a day in your head!


  7. po
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 18:33:00

    Hehe, Tamara, that is a nice thing to say, I often wish I could be in anyone elses head, just to escape mine!My mind is usually as blank as a slate, with a few peaks of sudden activity. In real life I am super dull.


  8. Being Brazen
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 19:18:00

    great screen play…BTW – my comments work now – yippee!!!!!


  9. po
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 19:24:00

    thanks BB, good news.


  10. Ches
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 19:52:00

    HA HA HA, classic Po. well done……when’s the movie coming out?Is it going to be Hollywood or Bollywood?


  11. po
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 19:58:00

    Oooh, Bollywood could give in an interesting edge!I think South Africa needs a film industry, would it be called Snollywood? hahahaha.


  12. Dash
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 20:13:00

    very funny – British simcoms always were the best.


  13. LadyFi
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 20:14:00

    Very funny! Gosh – my time in the UK was not really like that! Although we did drink lots of tea .. and coffee for that matter if we could find a real good espresso… You forgot ONE important element: the rain! That Baddie in the towel is wearing a towel cos it’s raining see and he couldn’t find his umbrella and that’s why he has a towel on his head. (A Brit having a sauna is not likely unless he has emigrated to Sweden, say, or Finland…)


  14. po
    Oct 23, 2008 @ 20:18:00

    ladyfi: good point about the sauna. But really, your life wasn’t like that? I see Gordon and the Queen, and Will Smith daily! And I don’t even live in London. It is all in my happy little mind…Dash: I know I love them too. I could star in one, perhaps the female version of mr bean.


  15. amy
    Feb 05, 2010 @ 23:27:06


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