Mutants go home.

Last night I drove the BFG around and around and around. I was practising coming on and off the highway (well, it’s called a dual carriageway (A road) here but that has way too many syllables to say unless you have a PhD, and then it’s not even the real highway, cos that is called the Motorway (M road) but whatevs). It should be called the No Po way. We entered the bloody thing 6 times, and you know what I learned?

I learned that I am a  mutant. I have a  mental incapacity. I’m brain damaged. I’m serious. My brain cannot process certain information. When I’m coming down the on ramp thingy, if I look in my right mirror to see if there are any cars, I don’t see anything. BFG kept saying, “but that’s because there is nothing, you can go!”

No. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is if I look in my right mirror, or attempt to look over my right shoulder (but that’s not really advisable seeing as I swerve all over the place) I don’t process anything at all. I hit a total blank and have no idea where the next lane even is. It’s WEIRD! If I look in the rearview mirror fist it helps a bit because then I can work out where the lane I need to join is. And I can see if there is a car in it. But if I look in the right mirror, nada.

By the end of the evening, I did start to see something in the right mirror, but if there is a car behind me, my brain tells me it is in the lane next to me and I can’t join. I think my brain switches left and right, because I look too far back and I get horrendously confused. I don’t know. If there is a car two lanes away from me, I think it is in the lane next to me and I can’t go.

Nightmare. Really, mutants should be disqualified from driving. Iwouldn’t mind, I would be so happy that the torture could end.

My test is in the beginning of May. I already had to postpone it because I wasn’t ready.

I guess I’m going to have to keep going around and around and a-bloody-round until my brain finally figures out what is going on in that damn right mirror. Poor BFG is going grey.

Me too!

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Damaria Senne
    Apr 21, 2010 @ 08:42:48

    Good luck with the practice. Learning to drive sucks.. and it’s exhausting…and I would wish it on my worst enemy. Which you’re not…So I must be brain dead too, cos I’m not sure why i’m rambling

    Reply

  2. Cam
    Apr 21, 2010 @ 09:16:52

    I thought mutants had special powers…not brain damage? :D

    Reply

  3. Po
    Apr 21, 2010 @ 09:45:12

    Damaria: it does scuk, it is exhausting, remind me why I’m doing this again?

    Cam: mutations can be good or bad dude. Bad mutations are rooted out by natural selection, aided cy car crashes, which is why I like walking!

    Reply

  4. Lady Fi
    Apr 21, 2010 @ 09:59:23

    Oh my, poor you! I still hate driving on motorways even today… Oh, and I passed my driving test first time even though I got hit by a bus… Go figure! Anything is possible…

    Reply

  5. Shannon
    Apr 21, 2010 @ 13:22:05

    Poor girl! This is where the American system of getting one’s license at 16 is an advantage: one is too stupid at 16 to be scared. You aren’t thinking that you are driving a two-tonned deadly weapon made of steel, you are thinking that now you can drive yourself to school and will be free from your parents’ domination foreveeeeeeerrrrrrr……

    I was thrilled to get my license at 16. Now of course when I’m at the motor vehicle office to renew my license and I see all the 16-year-olds, who look 14 and act 10, I am deathly scared for us all.

    Reply

  6. Po
    Apr 21, 2010 @ 20:32:19

    Ladyfi: I still hate roundabouts the most, they torment me in so many ways. Give me a traffic light any day.

    Shannon: I wish I had done my licence back when I felt no fear. Those times when you assumed you were invincible. I have way to much respect for the fragility of life now.

    Reply

  7. Helen
    Apr 22, 2010 @ 09:47:11

    I have never driven in the UK, but my auant who lives there drove me around a bit and I nearly had a heart attack in the passenger seat from those roundaout thingies. They’re really big and scary and fast and everyone else seems to know what they’re doing…

    Good luck! If it wasn’t almost impossible to get a booking in Sout africa I’d advise you coming home for your test.

    Just keep practising, it’ll come right eventually. Have you tried taking rescue remedy before driving? It might help?

    Reply

  8. Po
    Apr 22, 2010 @ 22:32:02

    Helen: am planning to buy some for my test. The thing is, I’m not that nervous when I do my practising, well, I am nervous, but not cripplingly so. I’m worried about the actual test though, because when it comes to physical tests I usually lose all control of my body. I aced every theory test I wrote, but when I did gymnastics comps, I wouldn’t be able to do my routines any more.

    eep!

    Reply

  9. Paula
    Apr 24, 2010 @ 00:42:52

    big giant breaths. i promise it helps. I’m still frightened so I would not be any help. At least you don’t get jelly legs; but I get passed it by thinking that people with far more jelly legs have gone through it and I just go into the zone. its slightly scary but it’ll pass… i hope. after the test at least.

    Reply

  10. Emm
    Apr 25, 2010 @ 13:37:27

    Hi Po, thank you for your kind comment on my blog! I hadn’t received much reaction to the Window Into South Africa series so I am glad someone is reading it! It is a pity you are in the UK too or I would ask you to take part.

    Reply

  11. Emm
    Apr 25, 2010 @ 13:38:14

    Oh, by the way, I don’t blame you for being scared! I already had my license for 11 years when i came here but it was like learning to drive all over again.

    Reply

  12. Po
    Apr 25, 2010 @ 16:55:30

    Emm: really? I can imagine, because there aren’t really man roundabouts in SA, and so many traffic lights. I looove traffic lights, they are so stress free, however I think that in SA roundabouts would reduce hit and runs hugely!

    I always enjoy reading South African perspectives, I think because people always ask me what South Africa is like but I find it so hard to answer because I don’t consider myself a “typical” South AFrican, and I’m not entirely sure what that even is.

    Reply

  13. Gene Annarumo
    Sep 05, 2010 @ 09:38:41

    how dare you

    Reply

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