I‘m in a pretty weird mental space at the moment. Well, for ‘weird’, substitute bad.

I don’t want to scare people out there in the interwebs, so before I go into the details, don’t worry about me. I’m not looking for words of comfort or sympathy, I just feel like writing about it because that’s what I do on my blog. Actually I’m doing quite well, in terms of general life.

So firstly there is the fear. It won’t leave me. A general fear for my future, and the accompanying sense of dismay as I have the conviction that things are going to turn out badly. If I thought I had suffered until now, I should get ready for much worse as I get older. Fear that I have made terrible career decisions, fear that I will end up in the same situation as my parents, no money, no way of making money, debts. And I have made terrible career decisions.

Then there is the sense of hopelessness. I think whenever I have felt bad before, I felt bad for a time, or a moment. But something clicked in me a while ago, something registered, something broke. It will never end. The bad things will never ever end. I need to accept that things are probably just going to get harder and harder with time. This is based on the evidence I have around me.

It was a weird sensation, when I accepted this. Like I have lost everything, including the will to carry on. But I do anyway. I have to. I don’t know if there can be anything worse than this feeling. Although it is strangely liberating to see the very bottom of hope. I’m still alive I guess, still ticking on. Things are good for now, and although I no longer have hope, at least I can cope. And be happy in the moments when I am coping.

I really have to live from day to day. If I look any further than one day, what I see might make me want to stay in bed.

So ja, I am pretty happy now, today. Life is good.  I just am so fucking scared of tomorrow.


14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Damaria Senne
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 10:01:36

    Oh Po. I don’t know what to say to you, because I’ve been there, and every word other people said to me sounded like platitudes. But intellectually at least, you know you’re not alone.There are people who love you and will stand by you as you work your way through this muddle.

    The second issue is, are you going to get help? Either consult with a therapist or maybe even a psychiatrist? I’m strong believer in getting professional help when I’m down in the dumps, mostly because I don’t trust myself to have a perspective on things. And because this person is esentially not involved in my daily life, they don’t have an agenda to get me to see things their way. They just want me to get better. You don’t have to have long-term therapy or anything; just enough to help you get started on a different path.

    And you are right; it is liberating to realise that you’ve reached as low ( in terms of hope) as you can go, and nothing else seems to matter. Because in that space, you can take risks,do something else ( careerwise or in life). Whatever action you take can’t make anything worse, can it?


  2. Momcat
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 10:28:09

    When you face your worst demons they diminish in size. You have reached the point of facing up to your worst fears. I agree with Damaria on talking to someone at this time just to put some perspective on your life and situation. And you have already taken the first step by writing your feelings on your blog. The future is made up of lots of todays all strung together. It doesn’t have to be a bogeyman. Just focus on making the best decision for your life today and dont even think about tomorrow. All the very very best. Us girls have got to stick together!


  3. Tara
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 12:53:36

    I’m the worst person to comment on this because you know how I am, we’re both writing the same book.
    That being said, it’s a good day, live today, replicate it tomorrow and laugh at pictures of cats.

    Luv ya chicken


  4. Paula
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 20:48:26

    It seems many of us are sailing the same murky waters. And yet here we all are waving our flags. Shouldn’t we be proud that finally its out there? I mean what a step in the right direction: the first step to any kind of healing is admitting you have a problem.
    Books are helping me and so is getting outside help. I also think that the point is that you shoudl live each moment and not think about the next one. And then when those feelings come instead of blocking them out- sort of face them- think about them, chew on them till you have gained perspective.
    No clue if this’ll help… but I’m glad that there is help amongst the bloggers :D


  5. Paula
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 20:49:04

    IE I am here for you too :P


  6. Po
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 22:12:23

    Wow, thanks for the comments everyone, I really appreciate it. I know that every single one of you who has commented have been through really really bad times.
    Damaria: I have thought about going to therapy, before, but now I’m a bit apathetic. A therapist can’t help the circumstances my life is in, and they are to a large extent beyond my control too. But in terms of coping I think it could help loads. I think I was planning to look at therapy after I got my driving licence. I think therapy over here is complicated though, because everything is free I’m not sure if you can just go, you may need to prove that something is really wrong. I don’t know.
    Momcat: I agree with life being a whole bunch of today’s strung together, the problem is I guess if the todays are not much fun, but survival is key, just keep on survivin!
    Tara: thanks man. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I have a reason for feeling this way, specially knowing that some people really do. But I think what I really need to do is figure out a new way of living, one that incorporates this acceptance of hopelessness but still somehow takes what it can from every day. Hmm. Sounds really freaking hard if you ask me.
    Paula:thank you my dear. Books are helping me too, maybe not your kind of books though? I am reading fiction like a real boekwurmpie right now, I can’t stop reading. Talk about escapism. It rules. I’m sure too much escapism is bad but right now it is ALL I want.


  7. Midnitegem
    Jul 29, 2010 @ 22:50:47

    Apparently Step1 in the 12 step programme for addicts is all about powerlessness. So was talking to my addict friend last night we were reckon that there should be the 12 step programme for non addicts as it is a great advice for life.
    I do understand the fear part – otherwise i just want to say make everyday that little bit better and then you never know what the future brings.
    Also I dont think it is that difficult to get therapy in this country…. I was going to the GP for my contraception and she out of the blue told me that she is available for therapy and she thought that there was def underlying emotional issues that I was struggling with – I was just trying to get the implant – nothing emotional about that ?!?!?


  8. Champagne Heathen
    Jul 30, 2010 @ 08:05:44

    Nothing wrong with living from day to day. Just do it! :)

    Never beat yourself up about bad career choices. Its why the people who have made “good” ones write books. The rest of us are clueless. Even the top bankers of the world… look where their choices got this whole financial world!

    Don’t be scared of change Po. Just cause life showed you crap change early on, doesn’t mean there isn’t good change.

    Or just wallow in the existential depression. And then revel in the existential freedom. That life is that random. No greater plan. No fate & karma saying “good things happen to good people”. But that also means that anything can happen. Even anything good/fun/different.

    And if that idea about anything overwhelms you, then take each day as it comes.

    All the best you. You know I am talking crap. But you inspired me to write that, so you had power in that:)


  9. prixie
    Jul 30, 2010 @ 12:21:31

    Hope you slightly more relieved that you got it out. Sometimes it makes more sense to have it out there!


  10. dash
    Jul 30, 2010 @ 14:50:04

    sometimes it just seems like everyone is having a better time of it doesn’t it? [cynical smile]

    I wanna say video games sex, gambling and alcohol are the answer… But mojo probably needs to be found elsewhere


  11. Helen
    Aug 02, 2010 @ 08:47:51

    Wow, I don’t actually know what to say. I think just keep talking about it and don’t let it get bigger and bigger and bigger. And tomorrow might just be OK. It has a way of doing that sometimes.


  12. Po
    Aug 02, 2010 @ 22:19:30

    Midnitegem: I am definitely feeling the powerlessness. I can’t believe you just got offered therapy like that! It’s like you and me have had completely different experiences with the NHS. I bet if I was to go and ask they would send me away with painkillers, which is what they have done to me for everything else. I guess my bad experiences have led me to assume the worst at all times. Maybe I’m too negative about them, but I have seen some therapy well at least second hand, and I was no impressed at all, so maybe this is discouraging me.
    Champs: I have realised now that if I start to anticipate the future problems that I am likely to have, I wouldn’t leave the house any more, so am trying to ignore them. It feels weird though, because I know bad things are around the corner just out of sight, but since I can’t really do anything about it, I prefer to ignore them. Blegh.
    Prixie: thanks. I dunno if it helped. At least I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be cheerful when I’m not I guess.
    Dash: do you think reading lots of books falls under your sex, drugs and rock and roll category???? Escapism for nerds?
    Helen: thanks dude! I know. Kind of. Not really. But lying to yourself can work sometimes.


  13. Tamara
    Aug 03, 2010 @ 13:25:47

    Shit, Po. That’s not good.

    I seriously think you should investigate therapy again. Even if it means dealing with the NHS charmers. Nobody can snap their fingers and make everything better, but I’ve found that (good) therapy gave me the tools I needed to handle the crap that was going on in my life.

    Flip. I wish I could say something more useful.


  14. Dora
    Aug 06, 2010 @ 13:03:45

    I repeatedly chanted to myself on the bus today: “We’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. We’ll be ok…”

    Then I realise, when you do that, you’re not really ok, are you?


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