Just say No.

I failed my driving test for the second time yesterday, and am feeling a bit crap still so I’m trying to write something that will cheer me up.

The BFG! Always a happy topic. It’s amazing how much we are still learning about our relationship, even after 10 years together. Neither of us are big into fighting, but there were times in the past where he would do something annoying and I would go on and be ratty about it, or when he would get grumpy with me. But that hardly ever seems to happen these days.

Nowadays we just laugh at each other. Somehow when he gets grumpy with me I find it hysterical. And then he laughs too. Or when I shit on him for something he usually just teases me or makes a joke and we both laugh. It’s a much better way to deal with things. And we are both so batty that there is plenty to laugh about.

Case in point, last year some time we had a broken tap. I really don’t understand plumbing in the UK, but all the taps here are shit. They all leak and the plumbers never seem to be able to fix them. Anyway this one broke so that it couldn’t switch off and gushed full blast. So we had to switch the water off at the mains. Our flat is managed by an agency so we had to wait nearly a month for their plumber to come back from holiday. Which was fun. Not. We had to switch the water back on to shower, and tried to collect the water from the gushing tap and put it into the bath so we could use it to flush the toilet and wash the dishes when the water was off again.

So finally the plumber came and replaced the tap. Within days the new tap was threatening a repeat performance, it wasn’t closing properly, it was leaking and threatening to break. So I placed a moratorium on the tap. No one was to use the tap ever. It was hence a decorative feature.

But BFG had trouble with this. He liked to use the bathroom tap, because the kitchen tap has… issues. Sigh. The kitchen tap goes full blast when you turn it on and you and the kitchen get covered with water. It’s a little violent. And he won’t drink from the hot taps.

Every single day it was “has somebody been using that tap again, it’s leaking”, and “Stop using that EFFING tap”. But training a boy is hard. Very hard. This went on for months. Until I cracked. I took the plastic measuring cup I use for baking, wrote ‘NO!’ on it in permanent marker, and put it over the tap. Then waited for the hysterical laughter coming from the bathroom.  It lies there still, nearly a year later.


The tap has never been used since.  Dont let anyone ever tell you a boy can’t be trained. Just be creative.


17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sid
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 08:11:00

    Ha. I think I failed my driver’s 3 times. Once for driving on in the face of oncoming traffic. And a month after I finally got my driver’s I drove into the wall of a shopping mall. Don’t ask.


  2. dash
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 08:52:24

    that is quite possibly one of the funniest things I’ve read in weeks. But having said that, I’ve mainly been reading spreadsheets.


  3. dash
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 08:52:50

    that was also meant to be a compliment, but I realise it didn’t come out as one …teehee


  4. tiah
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 10:50:39

    Driving test – ARGH! Don’t let those roundabouts win! As for slumlords…I keep hearing landlord horror stories about renters-from-he!! and yet as a renter I find that with all the sh!t pulled from estate agents (even the reputable ones) and so on…maybe it is a karama issue?


  5. Damaria Senne
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 10:50:54

    Nice training method. So simple but effective.


  6. Shannon
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 12:26:46

    Well done, Po. I find it’s best to train them young. My 14-year-old foster son learned at 10 to mix a gin and tonic, he has never left the toilet seat up, and he smells good, insisting that his cinnamon-scented body wash match his cinnamon-scented body lotion. Some woman is going to owe me her peace of mind someday for the work I put into that child on her behalf.


  7. Tara
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 12:46:44

    Ag second time? You’ve got a couple to go, remember I let my shaking nerves get the better of me 3 times before I passed on the fourth ;)

    That tap is awesome. You can call it experimental art :D You two are just so cute fullstop.


  8. Po
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 13:38:31

    Sid: argh no, seriously? This is torture, I want the driving test to be over now. It’s too much money, too much stress, too many days off work. It’s hell! I shouldn’t have waited til I was so old.
    I love reading other people’s driving test stories though, it really is a case of “I’m not alone!”. Because I am so old no one I know is going through this torture and I feel very alone. So thanks for the story!
    Dash: heehee thank the BFG for being such a goofball that he drives me to these extremes :)
    Tiah: the roundabouts are winning. One of my mistakes was on a roundabout. Yuck. I crave South African driving with the stop signs rather than yields and robots rather than circles. Hesitancy is my biggest weakness here but BFG said in SA he never even encountered the concept!
    Damaria: true, but I will run out of baking utensils if I have to resort to such desperate measures all the time!
    Shannon: wow, some lady out there owes you big time! I have been though toilet training with the bfg twice, the second time took years. I should have written “put me down” on the bottom of the seat. However I think he is finally house trained now. Shoowee.
    Tara: noooooooooooooo please no more of this torture!! And it cost £100 each time, I am gonna be so broke, I want to use that money to go on holiday. Argh, why am I doing this again?


  9. dash
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 14:58:37

    I have to raise an objection, no one ever complains about how women leave the toilet seat down. Pure logic, men need it up, women down. Why does it have to be your way?


  10. Po
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 15:43:31

    dash: this is easily answered: because if the woman leaves the toilet seat down and a man stumbles into the bathroom, in the dark, in the middle of the night, sleepy and confused, and sits down to take a shit, he…. doesn’t fall into the toilet.
    If a woman stumbles into the bathroom tired and confused and sits down when the toilet seat is up, well it is a pretty awful experience, has happened to me too many times and I will not stand for it any more! No more falling into the toilet bowl for me. If we leave it down and a guy pees by mistake it’s hardly a trainsmash.


  11. Lady Fi
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 04:44:58

    LOL! That’s ingenious!


  12. Tamara
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 08:27:50

    Po, sorry you failed again. Driving tests suck. I remember failing mine twice too (on the same day, nogal) because I couldn’t understand a word the tester (still not sure if it was male or female) was saying.

    Great story about the cup. I like it almost as much as your “ecoli makes me sad :(” sponge. Hehehehe…

    @Dash. It’s also a matter of hygiene. A woman has to wipe when she’s done, so she doesn’t want to be touching an icky toilet seat and contaminating her hands before she even sits down.


  13. Po
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 15:27:33

    Yeah what Tamara said, Dash. We don’t wanna be touching your pee. Touch your own pee!


  14. Helen
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 15:58:03

    hahahahaha, we have a non-draining sink in the lab (actually we have 3 non-draining sinks now) and it used to smell really bad when there was anything in it, so we finally trained everyone by using hazard-tape and making a “DO NOT USE THIS SINK” label. Worked ;)

    And I totally failed my drivers too, south african non-hesitancy notwithstanding. you can do it!


  15. Po
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 16:14:59

    Helen: haha when in doubt, build a blockade! I am so with you on this training method. It kind of takes the “training” out of training but as far as I can say blockading is the only way.


  16. Po
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 16:15:33

    Ladyfi: I agree, if I say so myself ;)


  17. Trackback: The cup that says “no”.

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