Eff you, brain.

For the last half year or so I have been suffering from something. My only explanation was that it was some kind of physical depression, although caused by what I do not know.

After googling my symptoms, ie lethargy, intertia, lack of energy I narrowed my disease of choice to hypothyroidism (yikes) diabetes (yikes) and dementia (yikes but unlikely).

The sensible thing would have been to go to a doctor, and I was on the verge for months. But my experiences with the NHS have been so discouraging that I wanted to try and solve it myself first. So I tried every supplement I could imagine.

I was having trouble thinking, which was awful. I couldn’t manage deep thought, anything below the surface thoughts I needed to survive. And as all of my bodily processes were flatlining I experienced chemical depression too.

It wasn’t that bad because I could tell myself it was the result of my physical state, rather than anything upsetting. But it’s still damn hard, when every day you are wondering what the point of your sad, pathetic little life is, and you are so lethargic that you are barely scraping through life like a droid rather than making any attempt to live fully.

So that sucked. Also my metabolism flatlined too. I was too exhausted to exercise much, but I had been forcing myself to go to the gym at least once in a week no matter how bad I felt.

Eventually I managed to force myself to go twice, and then last week I decided to try and go every week day.

Hahaha, that didn’t work out but I did go three times, and ever since last week I have been feeling amazing! I can think again, rapidly and happily and I can even feel some kind of creative thoughts happening. Blogging was impossible before.

I have not been able to climb for the last 6 months due to various injuries. Could it be that the cause of all this misery was simply my metabolism taking a huge dive without climbing?  It’s possible. Climbing is a very intensive exercise, so maybe my body got seriously confused.

I’m not sure going to the gym even 3 times a week is sustainable in the long term, seeing as I commute an hour or so to get home and would like to spend some time with the BFG. But for now, it is my only salvation!

A side effect of all of this was that I put on weight very quickly and easily, and unlike normal, it would not budge an inch. Which is unusual for me. At first I was thinking, maybe this is just old age, but now I think it was just as a result of my body being in hibernation.

But for the last four months I have been grappling with insecurity issues that I haven’t had for years and years.

I think of people with anorexia as those people who are so insecure and self-devalued that they only feel comfortable and in control of a situation if they are the thinnest person in the room.

I always thought I was so mature. I couldn’t care less about being the thinnest person in the room. Hahaha as it turns out, the reason I didn’t care or think about it was because I always was one of the thinnest people in the room. As soon as I became not the thinnest in the room, then suddenly I started feeling afraid and inadequate.

Luckily I also have years and years of experience and understanding to know that they are just my insecurities, they stem from inadequacies in my self esteem.  They are not true. I am not an objectionable and useless person, a failure, just because I am not the thinnest person in the room. So I tell my sad little self every day.

If I was younger I would probably be thinking along the lines of: I am fat therefore I am no good, all of these people are better than me and I am disgusting and I better lose weight.

Hahahahaha I say fuck you to those evil voices. I am too old for that bullshit. Trust me, my insecurities are far stronger than even I realised, but I see them for what they are. I am just too damn old, too much of an adult now to turn to that crutch.

Because in some ways, it is easier to turn to weight as a crutch to help you through life. I’m sure people who have had an eating disorder know what I mean. Going that way is shrugging off full adult life. It is protecting yourself from the harsh confusing world of adult relationships, because you have only one measure of acceptance, whether you are thin or not. It is so much easier when you “know” you are acceptable because your bones stick out, when being thin makes you feel so safe and ok.

It’s much harder to swallow the fact, that people might or might not like you, or value you,   or find you acceptable. You will never really know. And you have to know in yourself that you are alright, that you are worth being. Only you can give you any self worth; the second you look outwards you are trapped miserable cycle.

Look, I have never found a way of convincing myself that I have self worth and value, but at least I know that you have to keep going any way, and not turn to a world of make believe where you think you finally have control, but where in fact you are being completely controlled by a disease that has made you delusional and unable to function as an adult.

These last few months have made me think about eating disorders a lot. I guess thinking about weight is never really admirable. There are so many more important things in life. But I find myself wishing I could somehow get involved with eating disorder recovery. Except that I nearly died of boredom studying First Year Psych at UNISA.

Maybe I will blog about this some more. It has been on my mind a lot. And not in a scary way. In a very boring and adult way. I swear at myself a lot when I think ridiculous thoughts. It’s the only way.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Helen
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 11:44:24

    I really know what you mean, Since finishing fieldwork and not spending 4 months a year in bootcamp-style physical work all day every day I have struggled with my pretty sluggish metabolism (not being an hour away from chocolate doesn’t help either). And the weight that I was so proud to have under control became and issue again. And sometimes getting freaked out and controlling about everything you eat and drink and every time you move seems comforting.

    Sometimes it gets the better of me and I get really depressed and snappish and uncomfortable, and then I find going to gym 7 times a week (really) does help. But then I realise that I also have a life to live and I an’t blow people off for gym the whole time. One day I hope to find some kind of balance, until then I try to keep as healthy as I can and hope that I can figure it out before I got old and my metabolism gets worse!

    Last time I freaked out about it I was sat down told in no uncertain terms that as much as looking after yourself is good and admirable, the people who love me would love me anyway. As long as I run at least twie a week so I dont get too cranky and bite all their heads off.

    Reply

  2. seamonkeypo
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 16:10:17

    hELEN I think your metabolism has a good few years yet! And I think I an’t use age as an excuse yeeeet. Or maybe I can. Surely my metabolism wouldn’t go to sleep if I was younger? Maybe it is just more important to keep it going when you are older cos the second you rest it pegs. Sigh, its like being on a treadmill. But 7 days a week seems way too hard for me, I just don’t have that much energy. It’s true though, something I found out in my varsity days, that people like who you are and really don’t car how you look.

    Reply

  3. Paula
    Aug 12, 2011 @ 10:12:47

    Bleak bro. So bleak.

    I think insanity should be throroughly enjoyed though. What the hell is so cool about being normal? Swearing is also cool. I like swearing, except I’ve had to calm that shit down for work kwaaaaa.

    Mostly though, the most brilliant minds have solved problems through dreams or through their insanity. And it sounds like you’re being proactive about it, but still…

    Really swak about your metabolism. Swan diving metabolic rates are pooop BUT you get to enjoy a lovely layer of warmth and love from your body. LOL. Just if it’s a problem. Eat more, eat healthier, but eat more- it helps speed it up though.

    Not that what you have is insane. It’s actually bleak. Sorry bro, I hope life hands moments of happy and calm. And chocolate. Or like a surprise song that motivates you much much.

    Reply

  4. Paula
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 10:54:25

    PS I deleted me blog. We broke up due to artistic differences. Please remove mein URL from your blog list. I have no plans of beginning another one (but will carry on reading and commenting on yours…)

    Reply

  5. Po
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 20:03:56

    Paula: heehee I love your way with words! I am reading Jay-Z’s autobiography right now, and your talent with words kind of reminds me of him. He breaks down some of his lyrics like poetry and its amazing how much he puts into them! At the moment my metabolism is on an up but it feels like an up that I have to fight hard for, if I rest for a minute it plummets. Also I think my mental depression is being held off by exercise but the minute I rest it comes back, its like I’m in an action movie! Gotta keep running.

    PS noooooo why????? Well, if you ever start a new blog somehwere under a new name or something, please tell me.

    Reply

  6. Tamara
    Aug 19, 2011 @ 15:26:01

    I have a lot of thoughts on eating disorders too. And would be interested in hearing yours. I am sick of mine.

    Reply

  7. Nes
    Aug 19, 2011 @ 16:15:05

    I wish that I felt ‘too old’ for the ‘I’m fat’ rubbish. I mean, I know its rubbish and that my self worth is not related to my weight but at the moment, realising that I weigh 20kg more than I want to is really difficult to deal with and I have resorted to some random diet plan were you subsitute your meals with shakes and soups (they taste disgusting). I am only doing for a week and then just trying to eat healthy but the fact that my weight counts more than common sense is a bit worrying.

    The sad thing is that I have realised that I have no self confidence or sense of self worth that is not attached to what I think people want or need. And the weight issue has just made it worse.

    Reply

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