Wake me up when September ends.


**

Yesterday I had a bad day, lost my religion and witnessed the end of the world as we know it, all at once.

I do not feel fine. What a terrible month.

I am in a situation at work that I am not happy about at all. I feel I am being treated badly and this month has caused me pain, stress, and confusion. I will try to resolve it, if there is a desire for a resolution on the other side. I want to resolve it. This is the best job I have ever had. To go from loving it to thinking about resigning every day, well it just cannot be. I will not let it be.

I found out the BFG is going to have an operation on his shoulder. If it works maybe he can climb again. But I don’t want the NHS cutting into my BFG.

They operated on my shoulder, when what was troubling me was a slipping vertebrae. It cost me months of pain, anger, sadness and frustration and the shoulder has always been a bit weak since.

His operation is more invasive with longer recovery time. I just don’t trust them. My doctor, who saw me for three minutes, and was not able to see me on the day he was supposed to explain why I needed surgery, told me I would never recover if I didn’t have the surgery. He was right, but not in the way he meant. How can I trust them to be sure they need to cut into my man?

Also it means we will be staying in the UK longer than I thought, hoped, dreamed. I want to leave now, my time has come and gone. I want to go home. I am tired of talking about it and thinking about it and constantly putting it off. I am so ready. But he needs to be here for the post-op therapy and recovery.

Every day I come home exhausted and sad and so discouraged. So yesterday when I heard that R.E.M. had broken up, well it broke my heart. And it felt so right at the same time.

R.E.M. started up the year I was born. They sang my life, my whole life. They are the band of my life, I will never love a band like I love them. So for them to break up at this time when I am sad and struggling, well it is like they have known me my whole life. This feeling I have had all month is summed up by R.E.M. breaking up. It feels so sad that it is beautiful.

This is the end of an era for me. It comes at a time of such big changes in my life that it cannot be more fitting.  I feel like I am at a watershed moment. Their timing is impeccable.

In the past when I felt so bad about things I was never sure how I was going to get through it. It kind of makes me smile now. Of course I will. Everything ends eventually, and there are ups and downs and things let up, even if just for a while. Pain is beautiful too, because it is yours and you are alive to feel it.

Every moment of my life, happy and sad, seems to be contained within an R.E.M. song. Not because I happened to be listening to them when each thing happened, but because when I hear those songs, all of the feelings, the most intense, real and painful, flow through me. It’s like the words and the music hit my emotional note. Their music contains my life, it is me. How the hell do they do that? It’s incredible.

There are so many clips that I could link to because every live video I have seen of R.E.M. is just awesome, but this song is the best song I have ever known, and this one is for South Africa.

Love you, R.E.M. Fucking hell, thank you for everything.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Prixie
    Sep 23, 2011 @ 09:37:36

    I am so sorry you are going through a tough time time. It is strange that something seemingly small, like REM splitting, can make you feel even worse – and I know the feeling. When you’re down and out, the smallest act can compound everything that is wrong.

    But what I like is that you want to do something about it (like dealing with the issues at work) and you are still positive.

    Stay strong and I am sending sending you oodles of courage.

    Reply

  2. Prixie
    Sep 23, 2011 @ 09:38:49

    PS: I am also so damn sad that R.E.M have broken up. My first thought was: R.E.M? They CANNOT end!

    Reply

  3. Nes
    Sep 25, 2011 @ 16:56:53

    I am so sorry that you’ve had a bad month. I hope work stuff gets better and I am sure the op will be fine. Thinking of you…Big Hug!

    Reply

  4. Po
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 20:53:56

    Thank you guys! You know that saying it has to get worse before it gets better? I really hope that is true because the first part is fulfilling itself.

    Reply

  5. tiah
    Sep 27, 2011 @ 06:03:44

    :( That is one very full plate.

    Reply

  6. Tamara
    Sep 27, 2011 @ 11:59:39

    Strongs, Po. Hope it looks brighter soon.

    Reply

  7. Helen
    Sep 28, 2011 @ 08:45:12

    My P1 is having his shoulder sliced open on Monday. I think I’m more stressed out than he is (but I’m not allowed to be stressed out because he wants to stay in denial). it’s horribly scary.

    I hope your work stuff resolves itself, and everything gets better. And at least REM has waited to have many many songs before breaking up so we have a reserve to listen to for a while?

    Reply

  8. Po
    Sep 28, 2011 @ 20:22:02

    Thanks everyone!

    Woah Helen, I know, I think I am far more upset about the slicing thing than the BFG and I have already been through it so I know how crap it is, but there is far more at stake for him than me :((

    I guess REM was pretty much over in my mind but I never imagined an actual end. It made me so sad, like a small death inside of me. Like the end of my era. Thankfully they have a million albums with incredible songs indeed!

    Reply

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